Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
