I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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