a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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