Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I need water and some morals
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
