dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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