For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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