The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
