Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
