can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
