Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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