awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
