like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
