so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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