If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
