I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
