I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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