My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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