is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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