I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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