I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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