Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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