I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
this hospital has no fireball
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
