When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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