I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
