when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
