i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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