I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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