she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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