i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
