Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
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Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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