"it" just moved
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
