You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
should my penis look like a turkey
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
