We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
