So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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