he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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