She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
