Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Randomize
