his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
