I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
