She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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