worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
