so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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