i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
