Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
