Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She's the barista slut.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
