OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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