I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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