I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
