Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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