So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
