You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
