listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
