I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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