you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
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