I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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