if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
