so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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