3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
