if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
