Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
