i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need to calm my uterus...
I am available for nakedness
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