I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!