I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Did I show you my penis last night?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.