Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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