Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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